A winterblunderland

Very long time since i blogged, i realize the value of friends, people really need someone to rely on, and though the person i am talking about does not know about the existence of this blog ,i am here for you, just smile and walk through life , knowing that i’m somewhere around being a retard.Always willing to lend a hand or foot or whatever needs to be lent Secondly, I met a six year old child today, she was cute retarded and everything awesome and funny about being a small chubby kid, except that she lives in a 17 year old who is anything but small and chubby. And thats creepy/cute depending on how you think about it.But to me its fairly interesting to talk to a person with a child like view on life, haha. Honestly its pretty cool to have someone retarded to talk to about NOTHING, other then that shes nice other then the fact shes SO MEAN, sometimes, but hey i cant say i dont deserve it once so often.Haha Thats all Guh’ Bye

The below is obviously an insane 3 am rant, some elements are true, but they are minor and less exaggerated then actually stated.NONETHELESS listen to Fyfe Dangerfield

What a badass name to have, Fyfe.Well it is true that it does sound like a drunk person named his son after a number the spelling is wicked.And also, DANGERfield? Come on , who isn’t like “This guy must be a crazy badass”

Anyway hes an indie singer with an awesome song titled “When you walk into the room”
I Love this song. Its good, it describes a part of my life which i will probably never forget.Silly i know but…Its something I need right know.Not many people read this, but its complicated anyway.

I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me..At this point, i look in a mirror and i realise, i’m not quite sure i’m sane.Maybe my life has been a facade, of endless smiles..of false laughs and forged friendships…NAWWWWW. Haha got you going there didnt i.

Anyway i do feel somewhat sociopathical.For real, this is no joke, there’s just something deep in me that has just been desensitized over the years.And i used to think it was bad, but i realised this wall of hardened emotion has more often then naught, Protected me.I look at myself and i realise what a proud “Man” i have become, To be steely in the face of adversity, not waver in times of sheer sadness.TO.FEEL.NOTHING.




Then i stop and look back at the image of me as a child, all bright eyed and fat, and he looks at me with tears in his eyes, and tells me i have become a desensitized monster.Someone he had promised never to become.Someone he had prayed so hard to never be.

For a moment i listen to his words, and they hit me like a barrage of bullets, but then i remember, my life is a battlefield.There is no time for sadness or joy , just decisive action.I comfort the child, and tell him i shall be back in time to salvage what is left of my humanity.He listens, but i know i have lied, i am a liar..






And in the back of my mind.The word just rings,Liar..Liar.LIAR.
Its not wrong, but i have no time to listen to crazy people

Ever remember that song with the drum beat that goes like . Boom Da Thoom , Chaka Chaka, Boom Boom, Boom Bama Bama, Choom Choom!


Well neither do i, however it is a week to the end and it’ll be over, it feels freakishly good to be so close yet so far, after the o’s end i want to preserve my books. Preserve them in MAGMA, BURNING WHITE HOT MAGMA.

No but seriously, i hope to  pass them on, i mean i barely ever used them,They look brand new.My pensive moods have long gone and passed, i feel so positive these days , inside and out.

I feel like hugging everyone.Because as a wise man once said

“When im feeling sad, i stop feeling sad and start feeling awesome instead” -Barney Stinson

Hope whoever gets to read this, stay positive and push on , keep being awesome guys

And REMEMBER

I haven’t been here in awhile, its weirdly late and my english will be broken, sometimes i lie awake like this because something feels empty, just feels not there, you know its just an unmet feeling

I want to start off saying i am not perfect, i will never be and probably never will be close, but i try to be a good person…yet i feel like a monster.

Why do people ask for advice and never take it, they practically ask for it through their actions and words, and yet when you give them the straight answer that is meant to help, you become the nefarious villain.

Is there ever a way to help people you care about without them being totally unresponsive and so negative, it just drains me to see someone i care about think about negative things in such a positive light.How is clubbing and drinking and neverending strings of meaningless relationships a good thing to “try” out.

I just need a place to voice this out because sometimes, there really isn’t anyone i can discuss this with.I cant bear to see innocents lose themselves in the long road we call life, im sure all of us has seen or heard of a friend who has strayed so far down this path they never came back.I mean someone HAS to say something when people start to overlook their friends and family and instead are consumed with the idea of “FREEDOM”.I say prevention is better then protection, what is the purpose of getting burned by fire before avoiding it.

“sigh”, i’m angry and disappointed but not at the reaction of the receiver of the advice, i am disappointed at the distributor of sed advice, because it makes me wonder, did i do something wrong by speaking the truth and being a friend and voicing a concern.I hope if you do ever come across this post, you do realise i was trying to cheer you up and make sure you knew i tried to care, i might not be the best at words or the best at phrasing them but you knew what i meant.At least…i hope you did.


At the end of the conversation i did feel, like the villain that the receiver had made me out to be.I tried my best.


I feel as though i have lost a dear and close friend. However, it is no where near how painful people claim it to be.











It is far worse 

I don’t know where to head on from here, i seek and seek and yet i do not find my success, my true feelings lie locked away and bounded by secrecy.

I feel changed, i feel like i have made a step forward but in what direction i do not yet know, i sometimes still sit up wondering whether things are going right.

Still confused and tired, not out of the fight yet though, i’ll push on through till the day i find the courage to say what i need to say